Tuesday, April 28, 2009

hungry

lately i have just been soooooo hungry.  not food, oh my god i gotta eat hungry, but hungry for everything.  I am hungry for a family, i want to wake the kids up for school.  I am hungry for cash, i want oodles of it dripping out my pores let alone my wallet.  I am hungry for remodeling, i want my house to look like a magazine pictorial.  Hungry for swankier transportation, i want to be judged by my ride, not my personality.  I am hungry for hot looking friends.  I am hungry for sex.  lots of sex.  more sex than a person should have.  with anyone,  with everyone.  Strangely i am hungry for monogamy.  I want a blue collar jeans type no nonsense focused guy to wake up with everyday, the same guy, that 'manicorn', reliable, basic, loyal and hot because he has all of those characteristics.  I want to devour youth.  I hunger to wake up in a different place each day and to taste the culture of every walk of life.  I hunger for a new career, for several new careers.  I hunger for the energy to make things happen and the gnawing pit of my stomach hungers for the desire to do more than sit on the couch and dream.  I hunger for everyone i have loved and have lost to the other side.  I miss captain dreadlocks, i miss the drwoned roomie.  I miss my parents.  I hunger for the days when this house was alive with people in and out each day visiting me, and i hunger for the days when i was improtant, when i was social instead of the social disease i sometimes feel i have become.  As summer approaches and the pool is thought to be opening, i hunger for the days when there would be 10-20 people just hanging around and would be all gung ho to make things happen and they were here for me.  And now in silence i sit and type, trying to find a way to quench this hunger, to assuage the deep deep yearning for things that are no more and things that it may be to late to become.  America is truly the land of the young and it is very difficult for those who do not age.  I am 49 going on 17 and i am having a very tough time realizing it.

My well tested friends i have had for years all berate me in their own more than special ways for not growing old gracefully, but what is age but a reaction of others to the lines on your face.

I will not grow old.  I will not grow complacent.  I will not settle for not knowing the tastes of that which i have not encountered.  Now I must but find the drive to actually reach out and grab the stuff of life and drag it to my breast intstead of being content as so many of my younger friends are, with saying i am going to do something being as good as doing it.

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