Male To Male Phone Dating versus Installing Mousetraps On The Keypad. Hmmmm? Choices Choices.
So I was feeling a bit horned up and I did a search for male to male dating sites. Well, to begin with male to male dating sites are more like.... He's hot. Maybe he'll fuck me. Than the desperate hetero relationship sites which include dinner and a movie as well. Face it though, it is all desperation. Everyone wants to feel closeness,loved, needed, appreciated and in this sometimes unrequitted desire humans revert to the basest of actions to substitute sex for satisfaction. And finding that sex is an adventure of banging your head into the wall. But I digress. This adventure is to tell you the reader why putting mousetraps on your fingers may be preferable to dialing the seven digits of a phone hook-up line, and definitely less painfull.
Learn from my experience today.
Number 1, all men are liars. Meet me at the Rite Aid in 15 minutes I will be wearing the black tee shirt and khaki jeans, in reality means sit desperately in the parking lot of the Rite Aid for 45 minutes wondering if you in fact have the correct Rite Aid, the right city, the right time. Were you a minute late? Did they get cold feet? Did they crank one out while you were still on the phone with them and are now more interested in playing XBox than a blow job?
Number 2, always have a back up plan for escape. If perchance they were not getting their perverse little jollies by thinking of you shivering in the cold of the parking lot, and actually do show up, that super hot voice on the phone may not be any indicator of what actually arrives, and you may need to invent a room mate or have a preplanned phone call to use as an excuse to pry them out of your sofa.
Number 3, All Men Are Liars. Refer to Number 1 lesson. 30 year old, well built, bisexual, in actuallity can mean 40 year old midget queen.
My first clue that all is not as it sounds should have been when they asked if I had any porn, which any self respecting fag would not do without. Silly question. The second clue was when they asked if you had any poppers and when you reply "No", they tell you that's okay, they'll bring their own. The third clue arrises when they called an hour and a half after the specified arrival time saying they were stuck in traffic during their 15 minute drive and did you still want them to come over....in the nicest sexiest, I-gotta-have-them-I'll-die-if-I-don't voice, and you are dumb enough to tell them "of course". The fourth clue should have raised it's ugly head when they call from the driveway and ask, as your dogs are nearly seizuring barking at them....."Those dogs can't get in the house can they? I had a a bad experience with a dog once (similar to the one you are gonna have with me soon) and I won't even get out of the car if they can. And it takes you five minutes to assure them the dogs will not get in the house before they believe you. The fifth clue bares its teeth when they ring your bell, you open the door and don't see anyone standing there until you look down and realize that well built can mean so short they don't even come close to your nipple line. And the sixth clue should lay bare your juglar when bi-sexual means that the sexy masculine voice on the phone is a lispy wrist waving hip swiveling drivel accentuated with a nasal condition brought on by overuse of the aforementioned poppers. and the seventh clue should have been when well built turns out to mean that your own shoe width is wider than their hips.
Number 4. 4o year old midget queenie bisexuals carry pictures of their hot-straight-I-Can't-Sleep-With-Them trophy friends that may or may not be true bisexuals in their camera phones and do not hesitate to show them to you. Nor do they hesitate to show you pictures of their ex-fiancees that they undoubtedly had to fuck with the use of a strap on. Which can be convenient I am sure as when one doesn't have it strapped on, the other one can.
Number 5. It is not neccessarily a good thing when watching a porn as promised and after having told them that they were not your type and that you are not going to touch them in their NO FLY ZONE, they promptly ask you if you mind if they start stroking themselves, promptly pull out a horsecock that does not fit with their midget body, thinking you will throw yourself upon it once it is seen the light of day, and think that the extra small spandex body suit over their black thong really goes with the leather studded cock ring they are wearing and that once exposed you will only melt at their irrisistable poor taste in fashion.
Number 6. Most guys will leave once they have their happy ending, regardless of whether you actually touch them or not, except if they are looking for one of their missing bottles of poppers that they probably lost in an overly large nostril, stretched out from the over use of sticking the bottle all the way up their sinuses to begin with.
And so goes my education.
Number 7. I also learned you can have revealing conversations about nothing that makes people think you have a wonderful personality when in fact you could have recited the ingredients label from a box of Corn Flakes and if you want to appear super intelligent, read them the label from a bottle of vitamins.
Number 8. Don't bother to take the bedspread off the bed ahead of time. Sometimes you will just end up unfolding it and trying to smooth out creases for nothing. Better to shuck it aside in the heat of passion.
Number 9. Don't take a Viagra before you answer the door. Sometimes it is a waste of Better Living Through Chemistry and you end up with a lot of needless chaffing or in my case, not even Viagra would waken the sleeping trouser snake in this situation.
Number 10. Limited lighting eliminates several years from your own age and also gives the impression that your pigsty housekeeping habits have the appearence of exceptionally neat and clean. Or perhaps it is the over use of poppers that clouds some peoples brains.
And finally
Number 11. Tomorrow is always a day filled with hopeful adventures that your mind can make out to be much better than they will be in real life.
And still I reach for the phone. Damn where are those mousetraps? I never learn. And so my education continues.
Learn from my experience today.
Number 1, all men are liars. Meet me at the Rite Aid in 15 minutes I will be wearing the black tee shirt and khaki jeans, in reality means sit desperately in the parking lot of the Rite Aid for 45 minutes wondering if you in fact have the correct Rite Aid, the right city, the right time. Were you a minute late? Did they get cold feet? Did they crank one out while you were still on the phone with them and are now more interested in playing XBox than a blow job?
Number 2, always have a back up plan for escape. If perchance they were not getting their perverse little jollies by thinking of you shivering in the cold of the parking lot, and actually do show up, that super hot voice on the phone may not be any indicator of what actually arrives, and you may need to invent a room mate or have a preplanned phone call to use as an excuse to pry them out of your sofa.
Number 3, All Men Are Liars. Refer to Number 1 lesson. 30 year old, well built, bisexual, in actuallity can mean 40 year old midget queen.
My first clue that all is not as it sounds should have been when they asked if I had any porn, which any self respecting fag would not do without. Silly question. The second clue was when they asked if you had any poppers and when you reply "No", they tell you that's okay, they'll bring their own. The third clue arrises when they called an hour and a half after the specified arrival time saying they were stuck in traffic during their 15 minute drive and did you still want them to come over....in the nicest sexiest, I-gotta-have-them-I'll-die-if-I-don't voice, and you are dumb enough to tell them "of course". The fourth clue should have raised it's ugly head when they call from the driveway and ask, as your dogs are nearly seizuring barking at them....."Those dogs can't get in the house can they? I had a a bad experience with a dog once (similar to the one you are gonna have with me soon) and I won't even get out of the car if they can. And it takes you five minutes to assure them the dogs will not get in the house before they believe you. The fifth clue bares its teeth when they ring your bell, you open the door and don't see anyone standing there until you look down and realize that well built can mean so short they don't even come close to your nipple line. And the sixth clue should lay bare your juglar when bi-sexual means that the sexy masculine voice on the phone is a lispy wrist waving hip swiveling drivel accentuated with a nasal condition brought on by overuse of the aforementioned poppers. and the seventh clue should have been when well built turns out to mean that your own shoe width is wider than their hips.
Number 4. 4o year old midget queenie bisexuals carry pictures of their hot-straight-I-Can't-Sleep-With-Them trophy friends that may or may not be true bisexuals in their camera phones and do not hesitate to show them to you. Nor do they hesitate to show you pictures of their ex-fiancees that they undoubtedly had to fuck with the use of a strap on. Which can be convenient I am sure as when one doesn't have it strapped on, the other one can.
Number 5. It is not neccessarily a good thing when watching a porn as promised and after having told them that they were not your type and that you are not going to touch them in their NO FLY ZONE, they promptly ask you if you mind if they start stroking themselves, promptly pull out a horsecock that does not fit with their midget body, thinking you will throw yourself upon it once it is seen the light of day, and think that the extra small spandex body suit over their black thong really goes with the leather studded cock ring they are wearing and that once exposed you will only melt at their irrisistable poor taste in fashion.
Number 6. Most guys will leave once they have their happy ending, regardless of whether you actually touch them or not, except if they are looking for one of their missing bottles of poppers that they probably lost in an overly large nostril, stretched out from the over use of sticking the bottle all the way up their sinuses to begin with.
And so goes my education.
Number 7. I also learned you can have revealing conversations about nothing that makes people think you have a wonderful personality when in fact you could have recited the ingredients label from a box of Corn Flakes and if you want to appear super intelligent, read them the label from a bottle of vitamins.
Number 8. Don't bother to take the bedspread off the bed ahead of time. Sometimes you will just end up unfolding it and trying to smooth out creases for nothing. Better to shuck it aside in the heat of passion.
Number 9. Don't take a Viagra before you answer the door. Sometimes it is a waste of Better Living Through Chemistry and you end up with a lot of needless chaffing or in my case, not even Viagra would waken the sleeping trouser snake in this situation.
Number 10. Limited lighting eliminates several years from your own age and also gives the impression that your pigsty housekeeping habits have the appearence of exceptionally neat and clean. Or perhaps it is the over use of poppers that clouds some peoples brains.
And finally
Number 11. Tomorrow is always a day filled with hopeful adventures that your mind can make out to be much better than they will be in real life.
And still I reach for the phone. Damn where are those mousetraps? I never learn. And so my education continues.
posted by Mack Chill Jet at
11:47 PM
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