Thursday, May 26, 2005

Snips and snails and puppydogs tails, living wills and feeding tubes

That is what little me is made of.

I am going on vacation in a couple of days. I will be getting on a big ship and sailing for points south. And imagine this........It is Fleet Week in New York City, and all of those sailors are running wild. Ha ha.

But anyway, whenever I leave home I do get slightly paranoid and make a new will leaving provision for my things and my pets and write scathing things to those currently in disfavor in my life and probably even more scathing things to those in favor in my life. Well, compounding matters this time is the fact that almost as soon as I return to port, I am having life altering surgery. So that makes the will even more special this time.

I have only had to deal with living wills twice in my life.

The first time, My dad, God rest his soul, had spent my entire life telling me........"NO HEORIC MEASURES. Bury me the day I die, let me die a normal death. No tubes, no respirators, nothing!"

And the day I took him to the hospital for the last time, the emergency room doctor asked him......"Sir, if we need to take any heroic measures what is your position on the subject?"

My father asked him...."what does that mean"?

To which the doctor answered...."Mr. Chill Jet, do you want a tube in your stomach for feeding, a tube in your lungs to breathe?"

To which my father replied with out a moments hesitation, not one second of question or doubt "WELL, OF COURSE."

DUH! what had I been thinking all these years. I would have said he wanted the plug pulled, but when it comes right down to it, who doesn't want to extend checkout time in this Holiday Inn of life? Even if it is but by a few minutes.

The second time I had to deal with a living will, was when a friend handed me one and said "Here. I don't trust my family to carry out my wishes. You know them. Would you?" And everything went well for this friend and I never even read the document.

But making my own was something I was hoping to never have to deal with, or atleast not for a long time. It was fairly easy though. Being a lapsed catholic and a faithfully practicing one when it suits my purpose, as are billions of others of CME (Christmas Maybe Easter) Catholics, I took a lesson from the beloved John Paul II, and decided, that feeding tubes were definitely for me. After all, he was the Pope and therefore infallable as God's agent on Earth.

Infallability is something I believe the Cardinals (not the baseball team but for all we know, the athletes could be just as holy) voted on and decided was part of God's perks package of fringe benefits that came from the job of Pope that they as the holy personell department were able to award without consulting He Who Is, because He would have wanted it that way. SO anyway, I WANT A FEEDING TUBE.....Can you put a pureeed Big Mac in that with a supersized fries?

As for a respirator, taking a cue from Dad. I want one. Infact, I have two lungs, I want 2 of them.

See, people today have the wrong attitude toward death with dignity. What could be more dignified, especially in America than being a materialistic consumer?

I want my best friend that takes care of me to live off my disability for the rest of my unatural and burdensome life.

I want the little Korean imigrant nurse's aide that is tremendously underpaid for wiping my ungrateful if not comatose ass to have job security.

I want the drug companies to get richer by being able to shove ground drugs into my feeding tube and intervenous piping for decades to come, thereby makiung sure that drug reps and biochemists can have summer homes for years to come.

I want the federal government to give back my tax dollars that I have carefully paid into unemployement and Social Security in the hope that they would be mine forever.

I want to ensure that medical practice and experimentation can take place on my bloated not dead but not alive corpse for years to come ensuring that my physicians children can afford the orthodontics they so richly deserve to realize a career in the public eye on reality television.

I want to ensure that my friends have a place to come and meditate away from their families and someone to talk to that will listen and truly not repeat a word they say, and for that matter not give a shit what it is they are talking about.

I want to support the rubber companies that contribute to support stockings.

I want to pay the tution of the children of the Ultrasound techs that perform my blood clot vascular studies.

I want to pay for the hospital administrator's new Mercedes.

I want to pay the salary of the nurse that is more worried about her manicure and magazine that she would not have been able to buy if I wasn't a patient, than she is that my call bell is ringing.

I want to be part of the political fight for the stem research that will bring me back around into a fully functioning member of society, although by going through my list you can see how even people that would be comfortable housed next to the broccoli and carrots at the supermarket stimulate our economy.

I WANT HEROIC MEASURES. I WANT TO BE A VIBRANT MEMBER OF THE ECONOMY. Even if it is to only purchase the casket starter set satin pillow or the decorator crucifix with the light up Jesus, I want to be a consumer and anyway possible.

And did I mention that I look dreamy in a backless patient gown?


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You should post a photo of the Cruise.

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