Tuesday, April 28, 2009

the rest of the WHIRLED

So I went through rehab and missed my friends funeral.  I am sure i would not have been that welcome, but i would have gone, head heald high.  More for my friend than my own scabby faced self.

I was at rehab 21 days.  

In that time the air conditioner was taken from my friends room... as was the stereo, a bart simpson telephone and the box it came in, two digital camera's, a carhart hoodie-which had been a christmas present from a co-worker, and a small myriad of other things.  Where they went to I have no clue.  I can only hope that if they ended up with the girlfriend she found some semblance of solace in them.  But I doubt it.  She bitterly blames me for his death.  So bitterly that she finds it in her heart to show up poolside at 3:30 in the morning screaming how much she hates me, is gonna kill me, how it's my fault and i deserve to die because he did.  and then she screams nonsense until the police, his parents and the local magistrate come and cart her away.  Her and the guy that was with her, a little punk that was pumping up her pain in an effort to get into her pants.  And he had partied here years ago with captain dreadlocks and of course myself.  Til he got tossed out.

I can't help but think that others came and removed my tings to sellor trade for drugs, and i can;t help but think they couldn't have gotten much so why have bothered.  And i wonder if the State Police took any of those things, and why they even would.

And now I miss my friend very very much.  We were never involved.  He was just my FRIEND and I cannot say anything that can convey anymore honor and put him onto a higher pedestal or sing his glory to the Gods than this.  He was my FRIEND in all it encompasses.

The screaming banshee that is his girlfriend cannot believe that anyone grieves but herself.  She is jealous of the grief others feel of his passing.  I believe she has removed flowers from his grave that do not come from her.

She has made trouble for me in several ways, by appearing at one of my jobs in  need of healthcare and screaming to keep me away from her when infact i was not even there, and of course giving me oh so much credability as a good neighbor with her 3:30 am stunt.

Her mom blames me for the police intervention,but i merely laid in my bed and waited for my neighbors children to get so riled up that they called the police instead.

But enough, the poor girl tried suicide when they had had a break up, and recovery from a breakup is always possible for where there is life there is hope.  And now there is no life.

For her perhaps there is no hope.  She sent Christmas cards this year with their pictures on them as though they were current.

and my life goes on.  Which is one of the  other reasons she loathes me.  In her screaming hysteria she accused me of going on with my life as though nothing ever happend.  Am I cold and shallow because I continue living as best as i can post tragedy?  And each day that passes I say to my friend how much i miss him.  She cannot see my grief, but just as she is jealous of others grief she is resentful that i am functionally handling mine.

21 days of rehab and 16 weeks of cognitive behavioral therapy, CBT (for those in the know) have me living alcohol free for 10 months now.  Sobriety is not all it is cracked up to be.  But if I was to take one drink, my friends would no longer speak to me.  So I sit not drinking.  I cannot say that I miss it.  I can say that I am still semi depressed.  I can say that i do not lose so much of my time sleeping in a drunken slumber.

and onward.

I took another roomate by accident.  He was the floor captain at my rehab.  I had to ask him to move out.  I am lonely but I cherish so much being alone and living that way.  

He wasn't too bad til of course he quit his job and he and his mooey cow gorlfriend spent all their time lying around my house and using my possessions while i worked my 5 jobs.  so he had to go and the guest room is now once more a guest room and i can only hope i find a friend like my lost one once more.

And I hope we can all find a little peace in his memory.


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