Monday, February 20, 2006

It's that giddy schoolgirl thing isn't it?

Okay, so it has come down to this. I met someone I think I could like for a lifetime. Or at least a good drooling 20 minutes. And now I don't know what to do.

It's been a while since someone has really piqued my interest. I have forgotten all of my basic skills of attraction and enticement. I think I am not a good gay man. God, I hope I can still identify 57 million colors by name. What was that movie Judy Garland was in with the midgets?

How do I go about being desireable once more?

I have spent a great deal of the last few years being very unattractive. In my eyes at least. The words leviathan, behemouth come to mind. The name Beowulf also pops up. Although this is very desirable on, or you can only find so many worshippers of this particular ilk in the real world.

But all that has changed very recently.

I have taken some steps, call it middle age crazy, to become much more appealing and desirable. At worst I will leave behind a beautiful corpse. Which makes me digress for a minute to my ultimate funeral plans. Oh I pity the undertaker. I want to be changed from casual wear in the day time to formalwear in the evening, wailing paid mourners, girls in black lace with trays of drinks and hor's d'ouvres, a fireworks display, and not to forget the rehearsal dinner, but this is hopefully 62 years away according to a pakistani palm reader, when I am 108 and no one will care. So back to the meat of the matter, so to speak, the subject at hand.

In the past few months I have taken off considerable weight. I look pretty decent most of the time. I have a nice face, not ruggedly handsome, but I am told quite good looking. I am tall, currently well proportioned, have nice hair and eyes.

Like everyone in my family I am aging very well and am always assumed to be 10 years or more younger than I am.

I think I must be a nice guy because I have a multitude of very good very close friends that all say I am wonderful and because they are friends, they would not lie to me and swear this if it were not true. They would tell me the truth. Or they would dump me.

I have a lot of business connections that swear I am the best thing since sliced bread, the little blue pill and internet porn.

My enemies all agree as well that I am a "nice guy". Odd that... isn't it? My enemies like me. "Hey, sorry I gotta kill you Mack, you're a great guy! Damn! Would love you to marry my daughter, but hey, business is business.", punctuated by a bang and the sound of blood seeping onto concrete.

The last 6 guys I slept with were 22, 24, 19, 22, 18, 26. So I guess even at scarey huge dimensions and ugly ages I have been desirable or convincing.

And now this guy has me all flustered so that I cannot seem to blurt out a coherent thought in his presence. And I cannot remember how to be attractive.

He's cute. He's 26. He's nothing special. Or so I am told. But to me....he's tops. And I want him. And I ultimately would love to date him. And pass or fail, I would like the chance to try to get to know him and try to see if there is some chemistry here.

And I am terrified of rejection.

And I sit and wonder what I could possible offer him. Not that I want to buy his interest. Love that is bought is naught, but love that is given is heaven, a wise old woman told me. Obviously she never read the advocate classifieds, or went to Silly old biddy. Prolly never had a lap dance for that matter.

But we can't possibly have that much in common, and although I am way decent looking, once you get my clothes off I am not exactly all that and a bag of chips. And although I am older, I am the exception to my biggest pearl of wisdom..........."The older a man gets, the more attractive his wallet becomes." So what do I have to offer in the way of a relationship?

And it is February, hardly...."Hey come swim in my pool!!!!!!" season.

So maybe he isn't all that. But he is decent looking enough to get any hottie he could want. He is young enough that he could easily find a contemporary for friendship and commraderie. Why would he want me? How do I become a desireable commodity? Better yet, how do I avoid becoming a stalker. LOL.

I used my ice breaker line two weeks ago. Things went well. If you consider feeling as though you could have inspired more interest reading last weeks horseracing form to be....'going well'.

Last week I pulled out the stops and used my ace in the hole after I was given some indication that I was remembered from the week before. Actually, they mentioned me to someone else and that someone came over to talk to me. Don't know why they mentioned me. NameDropping? Trying to score points in their friends eyes? Interested in me.....GOD, DARE I DREAM? Ha ha.

And when I was leaving, after pretending to ignore him all nite, well, not ignore, but pretend I didn't know he was there, yeah, ignore, I said "Hi." and gave him a little sumthin sumthin I had up my sleeve, my ace in the hole, he lit up like a Christmas tree, and I told him to call me.

And so Wednesday is a full week since that event, and no call. And nothing more has happened. And I am supposed to be somewhere this Wednesday, where they may or may not be. And I am in a quandry as to what to do next.

I would like to see them. Other than meeting me and falling head over heels for me, I can see no advantage for them to want to be around me. I am really not in their circle or do I think I would fit in it very well, although I sure would try. It would be really nice to date them once in a while.

The age difference thing seems to be a problem for me, but like one of my friends says...age difference...what the hell is that? No one says it is gonna last forever. By the time you are 62 and they are.....ha ha, 41 you will want to kill yourself anyway when they find out. Good friends I have. Then they added that maybe when they visit their parents in the nursing home they could stop by my room.

So here I am worried about something that may or may not take place, a rejection that may or may not occur and a relationship falling apart because of age differences that has not even gotten further than "Hi". And just may not ever because I am shy and cannot remember how to make men drool over me and grovel at my feet one last time. Ha ha. There should be fag training classes. Wouldn't that be fabulous!

It's that giddy schoolgirl thing isn't it?