ya know sometimes i am so sad

sometimes i stay on the couch for a couple od days at a time. i do get up to shower though. i think it is coming with age, a feeling of less security and of being less safe than i was. i do not like this aging thing and i do not like having to totally take care of my self. You know i feel grief from my dads death 21 years ago, i feel anger over my mom's death 35 years ago. i have lost a very close friend 2 years ago, another xtrememly close frond died in my pool almost 1 year to the day, and i came home to find a doggie that had been born on my bed 16 years ago dead in front of his dogdoor. i am told i have not worked out my grief yet. i think they are right. i don;t really wanna have much more grief in my live to work out. I always claim i threw 9 family funerals and put the 'fun' back into funeral. that is such a nice and strong attitude to have on the outside, but all my relatives are dead, all their friends are dead, and all i have isme and a few really good friends that come in an emergency, but are busy raising thie own families. Meeting someone on line has never worked really well for me. it;s fun for a little while but leaves you hungry for more. And the guys I always seem to choose don;t seem to work out for me. Arghhhhh we'll see what happens the next session of therapy, which also happens to be the first session ,