7/13/2018
The shadows they follow me everywhere.
Out of the brightness,
Here...and there.
Where they ever should not be.
The shadows, they seem to follow me.
!Over there beside the tree!
Isn't that where he used to be?
At the table set for 1,
Where we sat and had such fun,
Seems darker right across from me,
Exactly where he used to be.

In the car,
My eye corner stretches far,
To find that place you no longer are.

Cold or hot, sunny or not,
Does not matter what the spot.
The shadows find me everywhere.
Shadows of what could have been,
Shadows so dark,
Sibstance so thin.
The shadows of what might have been.
The shadows of a different when.

The stone has slowly ground it's grits maddened by the mundane. And a poem.

Well. Stardate 24,2017. Well...lo and behold I have done it like before.another one under the belt as intimate as a marriage license that says...your name here. Now that we are done, Haven't we had a lot of fun?? Now that we are through, I can dance to whatever song that I want to. Hold that rudder steady boy, Hoist that anchor to the sky Because I am with out a guy Darkens more the deep black sky... I dance alone..alone I fly. Hoist your anchors to the sky. Yes I found it all again...captain dreadlocks...johnnie...straight college crush... You all seemed the promise such...that I would not be alone as such. And all at once the insanity of doing the same thing over and over again expecting a defirrent result...ends in the insanity it is. Each time I find solidtry I i get a little bit closer to having done something new Even if a broom straw thick. So now embark a quest again? Pray for something new? Change it up comppetely?? VLAD says yes. The choice he offers me physically sickens me to wretching...just as I do it ibthink of saliva or mucous cough spout phlegm. Find someone your own age with experiences that you feel to be similar. Like liking hot younger guys...WELL THAT WOULDN'T WORK NOW WOULD IT? We could pool our money and rent hot young stud beef together...fomenting jealousy and birthing resentment. And roller coasting breakes off down the slippery wet ocean miss covered rock that in this case is sociopathic partner patterns that will lead to S & M or worse. No I will not open door #3 Bob....nor trade it for what's being the currtain....because all the prizes are rolled into a giant Zink the world will laugh at not with. I feel so robbed of the joy and angst anxiety and release the young have these days will never be lived by me. Never...but I guess I should count my blessings for being able experience the things I have and salivate over the others eating the thanksgiving dinner I so want to partake. As auntie mame said...'life is a banquet and most poor fools are starving to death". Not my circus not my monkkies. I want to pull a chair to the table and as the Romans did....gorge to vomiterium to table to graze in a craze...to do it all over again. Is that not insanity? I question this definition profusely..as does not the church performed the same rituals over and over getting the same result? And they are expecting the same outcome again and again is what they are hoping for. So does this not destroy the insanity spectrum? Are there different gradations of insanity? Does not the cow milking farmer suckle is living repetively each day expecting the same result. Is it not insanity to do the same thing over and over reptitivly expecting an believing the same result will occur...ignoring the random...the radical...the unxpected...the gremlin...the atrophy and attenuation?

push that plunger

push that plunger and bringit on, all that is all that washascomeandgone. noonecanpompete, few can understand the nedle in your hand, your lover your best friend always with you until that end, andthe pain on the others side is not your fault as they flourish and anguish, recede and die there's no one to blame and no one to fault eyes wide shut they parachutedout ]and llanded in fields of glorius poppies and hope and vigor eith no one to stop them and all it took was all it took until of course there was not time foro onr last look. and inflated ego thought they could bring chnage and imaginary hope fulled their bravadoof hope andin theiy loseall they have toteh dope tha flows not through thoer brainbut right to the drainthe cause of the pain that rests on there shoulders for supposing change and restsontheir psyche of self importance imagining that they would mateer as even around them all livesin tatter and beattehmselves they do asthey go totheir rooms and like their rooms for toomorrow but dawns yet again with hope and misguidance and painful eprise off all that arisen with yesterdays surprise andonce againthey deluddedmarch onthe the dry cleaning bagof their choosing they just have to put onadn in alsone tormentthey thrsh andthey turn for sssomething in selfidhnedss they solemnly yearc,never to be feflatef to art they ;ve taken the levels to a brand new art and awesome they build the desire to kill all that dweels deep in side, that hope that they fostede and the promise ofnew days them imposed on the lost hearts that wantedtem not but the promise they got inthe soiuls that were bought bu the metal in their arm andthe emotions they harm because in truth araen;t we all responsible to each ofour anchors and poisons no matter tey be, they all bethe same from a doiffeents tree the pbrancees dwell in us all manifest and we fall til we wiggle and wisggle until just r can;t and then finally we arrive on tht farsidedbank, follish of action but true inour hearts we all acted noble acted out parts, ,iskentnly trying each other dforsize the ones to survuve are the ones to realize theat all thatmatters we hold deep insife and those tha can see born alone we will die and as much as we tryr there is nootthinginside that will add up the tides of theyearining insides and we mosthurt our dreams unshared thatthey seem fall on deaf ears but helps what we seem to hurt and redeem and struggleand scream and up all alone playes on stages reading lines fron the ages that follow not the bardswordsbut trry force our own til finnaly the viuce that calls us tohome shows ups us upt that we;ve been on out onw, that weve been alone andthepain comes within when unthinkable sinn thinks we draw others in and we dont. you owe me not, it's what i forgot when enforceing my will i managed to kill in the words sddest spoken ...oh what moght have bee,

Johnnie

Well Well Well the years melt like vangogh's clocks but not with the sticky solidarity of still recognizable landscape but into the mush reminiscent of re-fried beans. As we realize this, two choices are thrust upon us; To muddle waddle unclean to the next semi-firm shore or to slowly descend into the ooze, the stagnation that life leaves behind in its backwater eddies. So, being depressed I sat in that glop for about 4 years. My days consisted of seeing how many 24 ounce Keystone Ice beers I could consume in a day. How many times I could get more, and how I could get more for the morning. Well someone had to do it. For everyone that turns into a falling down lush someone has to turn into a hyperactive over achiever. That's my theory. If I had stayed active instead of being a falling down waste of sperm, Angelina j Jolie would still have breasts and 3 less children and her foundation would have done housing brochures for the tsunami victims instead of actually housing. I did my part. Well finally this March during my gala birthday extravaganza I met this guy that had been staying on the down stairs couch. A friend of a friend. How friendly. He was not fondest thought of by my friends. I FELL IN LOVE. There is not a single thing about him that I dislike. He has cornflower blue eyes flecked with gold that sparkles like goldenshlager when the light hits them just right. When he smiles his lips don't just turn up, his entire face smiles. His eyes sparkle and turn up at the corners. His ears wiggle upward to attention. He is the sweetest, cutest, most unassuming bad boy. He can go from cultured to gutter and back in less than seven seconds. Name some heavy equipment, he prolly drives it, he roofs sheet rocks, and paints. He can quote you famous novels and knows his way around a computer screen with skill. He's has a strong honor code. He is tough as nails, springy as steel, muscled and tight. And yet he can come across as a fragile tender bird in the next breath. He has the soft dark brown hair of a teddy bear, then when cut short gives him the appearance of a military clean cut guy. He has been burned by those he loves and he always seems to give second chances. Many people give the attitude that he doesn't matter, that he is worthless and can be treated with a casual unconcern. Many people are very wrong and self important. That feeling leaked into my thoughts for oh, about a minute, that I didn't need to care what he thought. Now that is all I think about.I haven't had a drink in 37 days now. I told him that he deserves a friend that isn't a puddle. He said that's good cuz he wants to do things with me, not skip stones off me. Spending any time at all with him has lead me to believe that he is truly a treasure and I thank God that I have had him come into my life. He tells me that he is not gay, but that he is my boyfriend. He has told friends of his that we are sort of seeing each other and when hit with...WHAT?...answers with....you know, dating. He has said he is not gay but this is the best relationship he has ever been in and that he is the most comfortable that he has ever been in any relationship. He says he is not gay. He has 2-5 children. And a temper he needs to be talked down from. He has a refreshing innocence. I want to be attached to him at the hip for life. Considering I am not partial to my own kind, this drives me wild. As does when he brushes his razor stubble against my face or neck. My whole life, nothing excites me more. When I am sick and may have to be at the hospital over night he says he will stay with me. He says a family member can do that. He says they can't stop a significant other. I love this man with all and who and what that I am. I can not see an end to it. For better for worse. I have made a decision. I have made a commitment. For the first time in my life, I have a man of my own that I can call my boyfriend. MY boyfriend. My BOYFRIEND. MY BOYFRIEND!!!!! Feels strange, yet strangely wonderful. It just rolls off the tongue. Funniest thing, the reason I didn't have a boyfriend when I was 25, my 28 year old man hadn't been born yet. There is a quote on his facebook page....to the world you may be just one person, but to one person you just may mean the world. His birthday is 3:16....His favorite Bible passage, John. Who would a thought?

Just some words of wisdom: It takes and entire cow to make one burger. (Meaning, all our experience makes up one little thing. Meaning, what we are looking for is the pearl. All else is meaningless. Meaning there is a lot of waste getting to the goal Meaning that the whole is sometimes less than the sum of the parts. Meaning, well, literally that you must give up the whole cow to make one little burger, be sure things are worth the sacrifice. Meaning, just about anything you want it too. lol. When deciding the difference between interest and committment, consider a ham and egg breakfast, A pig is committed, a chicken takes and interest. Love is like a box of chocolates. It leaves a hot sticky mess if you have it in the back seat of the car. Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time. More to follow. Just sayin'.

wow how time flies when you are having........something.

It's been a while since I posted. Years go by so quickly. Since my last post I fell into a glass coffee table and had a friend not been quarreling with their baby momma and spending the night on my upstairs couch I would have died. I dozed off on the couch downstairs, got up around 4am to pee, put my left leg on the floor, had a wince of pain, compensated with my right leg, listed to my right worse than the Costa Concordia, lost my balance and then yelled "OH FUCK" as I toppled over smashing tempered glass everywhere and ended up needing a drain, 75 external staples, and god knows how many internal stitches. Had my friend not been at my house I would have just prolly wrapped a towel around my thigh and gone back to sleep for.......well, forever, cuz I would have bled out. A week later when I realized I still had my drain and my wound site was green, the trauma surgeon follow-up determined I had a strep infection in the wound site and I needed the drain longer and horse pill sized antibiotics. YEAH!!! Happy happy joy joy! So I recovered and look like I had a shark attack on my right thigh. And that was the start of the whole snowball of doom that took me on a wild roller coaster ride through 2010. to be continued.......

Next: "What do you mean Avascular Necrosis!"

funny thing

love is like a box of chocolates.

it makes a sticky mess if you have it in the back seat of the car.

strangers have the best candy.

i often run with scissors.